Night and Day
by AxCfangirl
Summary: Athrun's life has been falling apart. His world has been shrouded in darkness. He has been wondering if dawn really will always break like his mother said. Then, he sees the light of hope.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : This is actually one-shot. I split it into two only because it seems too long to put on a page, even by my standard...

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English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

* * *

 **Night and Day**

* * *

At five, Athrun was sent to a foreign school by his father, where he met his best friend.

Their mothers were actually the first to become friendly, and naturally he started to spend time with Kira, which he liked. They hit it off despite many differences. Well, it wasn't a surprise since they were both Coordinators.

While Athrun preferred to be careful and prepared, Kira often acted without thinking and planning. Kira tended to avoid doing things he wasn't interested in, and Athrun often had to urge Kira to finish schoolwork before the deadline.

He was used to taking care of himself since his father lived far away and his mother spent much time at her lab. Kira lived with his parents and his mother usually stayed at home; Kira was rather dependent and didn't hesitate to ask for help, which Athrun hardly did.

Athrun often ended up helping Kira finish homework, do chores, or clean up his mess. Not that he hated it. Even though he always reprimanded Kira, he was fine with helping. In fact, he liked feeling needed, though he didn't tell Kira so since he was sure it would only encourage Kira to ask for more help and he believed Kira should be a little more independent and responsible.

Kira also cried a lot, which quite surprised him at first. In his opinion, children of his age, especially Coordinators who matured faster than Naturals, should at the very least try not to cry as they pleased. It was even more so if you were a boy.

His father had taught him so, and he obediently followed his father's directions, especially after moving to Copernicus. He didn't want to disappoint his father by behaving like a baby. He wanted his father to see that he could be a good boy, a son his father could be proud of, even if his father wasn't around to discipline him.

Kira, in contrast, didn't seem to have any qualms about crying, and being consoled by strangers, like he didn't about talking to or asking for help from strangers. Athrun wasn't sure Kira was simply easy-going or foolish...or maybe bold even? Well, whatever it was, it wouldn't change that Kira was childish and needed a lot of taking care of.

Soon after they became friends, Athrun took it on himself to look out for Kira. He didn't mind looking after others, especially those who wouldn't mind being watched over. Well, Kira sometimes complained he was too nagging. But Kira didn't get angry or hostile like some of their schoolmates did when he told them to do or not to do something, which he found unreasonable since he was sure what he said was right.

And his mother praised him for it, which made him happy. His father also appeared to be pleased that he was the one looking after, not the one being looked after. Kira's parents thanked him, too. Kira's mother constantly took care of Athrun when his mother wasn't at home, and he was glad that he could do something for her in return.

He wasn't always the one to give his help, though. Kira was better at making friends and communicating than he did, which he was secretly envious of. A little.

Although Athrun didn't like fighting, other children regularly picked a fight with him for some reason he didn't understand, and he wasn't really good at escaping them. Kira had natural talents for appeasing annoyed people and running away from troubles. Kira often tried to explain why some people were irritated by him in hopes of helping him avoid getting into such a situation, though it didn't work. But Kira was of big help to him in getting out of it.

Without Kira's help, his school life would have been harder. And his life would have been much lonelier and more boring for sure, without Kira.

Kira and he spent most of the day together. Although he had other friends, Kira was the closest, and actually the only friend he felt truly connected to. In fact, Kira was more like family to him than a friend, like a little brother he had never had. He even felt closer to Kira than to his father.

Most of his happy memories involved with Kira. It wasn't like he disliked his parents or spending time with them. It was just that they were busy and he didn't spend as much time with them as with Kira. Not to mention his father was rather a strict man who made people nervous around him.

Having to part with Kira was one of the hardest experiences in his life. Neither he nor Kira wanted it, but there was nothing they could do about it. They were still children and had to obey their parents.

He was sad and a little angry, though he didn't show it to his parents. He thought he was too old for such behavior. He couldn't express much of those feelings in front of Kira, either. Kira was dejected as well, and he felt he had to comfort Kira.

So he made Torii. Making the robot distracted him from the emotions hard to handle, and he could cheer Kira up by giving it to him.

Kira's parents had also been considering relocating somewhere else. Although they had not decided where yet, they seemed to be inclined toward PLANT. Having heard about the life in PLANT from Athrun's mother, Kira's mother was eager to move there as well. Kira and he were hoping it would come true, and they promised to meet again on the day of their farewell.

They also tried to keep in touch, but it was more difficult than they had thought. Due to increasing tension between PLANT and its sponsor nations, there were limited ways for Athrun to contact someone outside PLANT. And he eventually lost contact with Kira.

Nevertheless, he still considered Kira as his best friend. He couldn't feel as comfortable with his friends in PLANT. Probably because he had known Kira for much longer and since childhood. Whatever the reason was, Kira was still important to him, and he kept hoping he could see Kira again someday.

The time actually came much earlier than he had expected, but the encounter was far from what he had imagined it to be.

Never had he imagined it would take place in the middle of a battle. Never had he imagined he and Kira would be enemies.

He had no idea what Kira was doing. Kira insisted he didn't want to fight, which Athrun could understand; Kira was more of a pacifist than a warrior. He also could understand Kira's unwillingness to fight against Naturals to some extent; Kira's parents were Naturals.

However, he couldn't understand at all why Kira sided with Naturals and fought against ZAFT, against PLANT, against Coordinators. Against him. Not wanting to fight against Naturals and fighting for Naturals were completely different things.

If Kira fought at all, he should fight along with Athrun. It was how the things should be, what Kira should do. It was the right thing. Kira was a Coordinator like him. Kira was his friend. Kira couldn't be his enemy. Kira wasn't supposed to get in his way. Kira should be on his side, not the other side. This was so wrong.

And Kira should know that. Kira wasn't a fool. Kira was a Coordinator and should be able to understand him. Athrun had to make it right before it was too late. He couldn't just let Kira go off on his own, go down the wrong path. He had to help his friend. He had to get back his best friend. A piece of his past. A piece of his life.

He tried to make Kira realize that he was being deceived and used by Naturals. Even though Kira was as intelligent as Athrun, he wasn't as cautious. Kira was such a gullible person that he must have fallen for Naturals' dirty trick. It wasn't surprising since Athrun had not been there to watch out for Kira.

He felt more spiteful toward Naturals, though it didn't mean he despised all Naturals or he believed all Naturals despised Coordinators. Unlike many of his fellow soldiers or fellow PLANT citizens, he personally knew Naturals. He knew there were Naturals who were friendly to Coordinators, Naturals he could like.

And he never wanted to harm innocent people, whether Coordinator or Natural. He might have been able to understand if Kira had been fighting only to protect innocent civilians, Naturals who weren't soldiers and shouldn't be involved in combats.

But it wasn't the case. Kira was fighting to defend a warship that belonged to the Earth Forces, along with the EF soldiers. Kira wasn't only fighting against PLANT. Kira was fighting for the Earth Alliance, the very people who had killed Athrun's mother. It felt like nothing but a betrayal. How could Kira, of all people, do this to him?

Athrun was confused, frustrated, and irritated that Kira wouldn't listen to him. Through their childhood, he had usually been the one in charge, the one to decide what Kira or both of them should do: schoolwork, helping their parents, solving problems. He was used to being in control when with Kira.

Of course, he knew Kira wasn't a pushover. Kira could stand up for what he believed in and be very stubborn when he wanted to. Most of the times when Kira had decided to be, Athrun had had to let Kira have his way. Plus, it wasn't like they had never had arguments or fights.

However, this was a much more serious matter, a matter of war, a matter of life and death. It was either fighting together or killing each other.

Despite his repeated attempts to persuade Kira out of it, however, Kira refused to do as he said. Kira kept saying he didn't want to fight against him, yet wouldn't come to his side. Kira wouldn't stop fighting, just like those stupid, conceited, and greedy Naturals. There seemed to be no way Athrun could knock some sense into Kira's head.

Did Kira really believe that fighting along with those dirty people was a just cause? Was Kira seriously determined to go down together with the EA? Would Kira even die for those Naturals? They had separated only for less than three years, and yet, Kira had changed that much?

The Kira he talked with over communications and heard about didn't sound much different from the friend he had known. Yet Kira seemed to be no longer that boy. If Kira was, something like this would have never happened, would it?

Athrun didn't understand what was going on. He couldn't believe his best friend had turned into a person who betrayed him like this. He had never thought their friendship would collapse like this. He didn't want to believe any of it. He didn't want to fight against Kira.

But he had to.

ZAFT had to fight. They had to fight for now. They had to fight to remove threats to their safety. They had to fight to end the war and restore peace. It was the only way. So he had to fight. Even against his friend. Even against Kira. For ZAFT.

No matter how much it tormented him, it was the only option he had. Kira left him with no choice. He had to do what he should do. He had chosen to accomplish his duty. He had chosen to fight. And he shouldn't waver. He shouldn't hesitate. He should defeat Kira if Kira was his enemy now, if Kira had chosen to become one.

He knew it and kept telling himself so, though he couldn't make his peace with it. He doubted he would ever be able to. He was torn between his loyalty to his country and his race and his love for a friend. He didn't want to lose someone he loved again. He wanted to protect the people he cared about. Nevertheless, he had to fight against one of them.

It was the bitter reality. Reality of the war. Reality of this world. Reality of his life. Which was even harsher and grimmer than he had thought. Which seemed to be getting worse and worse as if it wasn't already bad enough.

Going into a battle became more stressful. He had more restless nights, more and worse nightmares. He feared tomorrow. He feared that tomorrow, he would come across Kira in the battlefield again and have to kill him. He would rather never see Kira again. He wished he had never met Kira after the peaceful farewell at Copernicus.

Sometimes, he even wished tomorrow would never come, though he perfectly knew it was a stupid and vain wish.

* * *

Athrun was thirteen when his engagement was arranged by his father.

He wasn't happy when his father told him about the engagement. He knew very well what it was: a kind of publicity stunt to promote the marriage regulation and political unity. Sure, he understood its necessity, but it didn't mean he could completely accept it. He felt as if he was only a tool to his father, a political pawn to gain more power and achieve his ambitions.

But he shouldn't think like that. His father was simply doing what he believed was right. His father believed in the genetic matchmaking program and regulating marriage according to it. His father believed it was right for Coordinators, for PLANT, and for Athrun to follow the rule.

It was also important that his father and the father of the girl he was now engaged to showed they were closely united, considering the fact that both men were important members of the Supreme Council and the current situation surrounding PLANT.

This was all for the greater good, for PLANT, for Coordinators.

Although he was still far from excited about the engagement, it wasn't like he loved another girl. Plus, he didn't want to disappoint his father, and he wanted to be a person who did the right thing. So he resigned himself to going along with the engagement, telling himself it was his duty.

At least, his fiancée was a sweet girl, whom he could like. He usually brought flowers when he visited her, since it seemed like the most appropriate present for a girl.

One day, an idea occurred to him while wondering what kind of robot he was going to make next, and he made her a Haro. Then another, and yet another one, for she said she liked them very much.

Although it baffled him that she treated Haros as if they were actual friends instead of mere toys which they were, he was glad and relieved that she looked happy with them. Giving her flowers or Haros was the easiest way, actually the only way, he could think of to please her. It wasn't in his nature to say or do things that could entertain girls.

He was aware that the way he acted around her wasn't how it was supposed to be. Although he acted the way a gentleman should, which he had been raised to be, he couldn't be really relaxed with her, and he felt a little bad about it since she was always friendly and seemed to genuinely welcome his company. He felt that by offering presents to her, he could make up for his stiff attitude, and lack of romantic feelings for her.

He supposed he didn't really have to feel bad about the latter since the engagement wasn't about romantic love and she probably also didn't like him that way, though he wasn't sure about it.

It wasn't his forte to perceive other people's feelings, and he wasn't eager to find out what she thought of him in the first place. In fact, he preferred to not know it. He had no idea what to do if she had romantic feelings for him or she saw him as a boring person and a disappointment.

If it was about some kind of project like making a robot, he was sure he could fix the problem. However, he had never been good at getting along with other people, especially girls.

He often wished Kira had been here so that he probably could receive helpful advices. He had no friends to turn to in PLANT. In addition to the fact that he generally didn't like to ask for advice or even to talk about his personal matters, his friends were envious of his being engaged to a popular singer, which made him even more reluctant to talk about her with them.

His mother was probably the best choice, if not the only one, but he felt embarrassed talking about girls with his mother. When she asked him about Lacus and their relationship, he simply said Lacus was nice and they were doing fine.

He might have asked her for advice eventually, if he had had more time with her. However, she was gone not long after the engagement had been arranged.

His mother's death changed his perspective on the engagement. Now, he was glad he had a fiancée.

Spending about half of his life in a foreign country, he didn't quite feel at home in his home country. His parents had been the only people in PLANT that he felt connection with. His friends from before he had left PLANT were now strangers. Although he had acquired some friends since his return, he wasn't close to them.

He needed to protect PLANT. Even though it didn't exactly feel like it, it was still his homeland—and the country his mother had loved. It seemed protecting it would somewhat compensate for his inability to have protected her. He felt he was obligated to protect it, and wanted to do it.

Nevertheless, it was hard to keep fighting only for PLANT due to his lack of strong emotional ties to it. His father didn't help him much. His father wasn't the kind of person who he could feel needed his protection.

But Lacus was.

She was a symbol of peace. Her slow, elegant songs performed by a gentle voice brought a peace of mind to listeners. It was probably one of the factors that had made her so popular. People were distressed because of the conflicts and the war, and sought comfort in her songs.

It was easy for him, for anyone, to feel he had to protect the songstress. It was easy for him to believe that he had to fight so that she, and people like her, could live a peaceful life, which could be broken so easily. That he had to be strong so that he could defend those like her, who were too weak to defend themselves and needed him to fight for them.

Fighting seemed like truly the right thing when he visited her and caught a glimpse of her life, which was definitely something that had to be protected, something that shouldn't be destroyed like his mother's life had been.

She was someone who should be kept safe, far away from the war.

Therefore, the news of her missing made him quite uneasy. He didn't like his father making him participate in the search for her, not just because his father seemed to care only about appearances and publicity. His reluctance didn't mean he didn't care about her or wasn't worried about her. He just didn't want to think about the possibility that she might be dead.

He wanted to ignore it until he had no option but to face it. He wanted to believe she was safe somewhere and there was no need for him to be upset. Going to look for her himself felt like admitting she had actually been in danger and very likely to have died. It was what shouldn't happen, what wasn't supposed to be true.

Fortunately, she came back alive and well. And she didn't appear to have been affected by the seemingly traumatic experience, to his relief. Some fans of hers called her a fairy or an angel, even a goddess. Although he wasn't one of those romantic people, he agreed she was the kind of person who had the unworldly air about her, the type who didn't seem to be living in the real world.

Even after being taken hostage by the enemy, she still seemed to live in a different world, in a perfectly, surreally beautiful world, without knowing much about what the actual world was like. Without knowing how gloomy and ugly the reality was. The reality he was living in.

He didn't dislike her because of it. It was a kind of consolation to him that some people still could maintain such childlike innocence, undisturbed by the war. He was also proud that he was one of those who fought so that other people could stay being like that.

Still, he couldn't help feeling uncomfortable when with her. It was a different kind of discomfort from the one he had felt before the war. As much as he valued her peaceful world, which was sheltered from the relentless storm outside, he knew it wasn't real and felt awkward being a part of it.

He couldn't be as idealistic or cheerful as she was because he knew the war, he knew the reality. He couldn't say he liked Kira, like she did much to his surprise. Kira was their enemy, a soldier who belonged to the military fighting against their country. In his opinion, it was an inappropriate thing to say. They were two different things to admit Kira and he had been friends since before the war and to admit he still liked Kira.

Not that he told her so. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, break her fragile heart. He shouldn't force a soft girl like her to face the dark side of life, even if it was the truth. That was why he didn't want to reveal his anguish of having to fight against Kira to her, in addition to not feeling comfortable enough with her. He should be the one to protect her, not the one to burden her with his problems, especially when she was probably too delicate to handle such a depressing matter.

Hearing her say she liked another boy in itself was actually surprising, or odd. She was his fiancée after all, though they weren't a real couple and she probably had meant she liked Kira in a non-romantic way.

He wasn't jealous, but somewhat unsettled—and afraid. It felt like Lacus and he were drifting away from each other. It reminded him of her telling a commander to do what she said as if she was someone completely different from the girl he had known. He had had a similar feeling then. The feeling that the world he had known was slipping out of his hands. That everything was slipping away from him. That he was slipping down into the darkness of the unknown.

He didn't like the feeling.

He wasn't in love with her. They weren't really friends even. And to be honest, he didn't want to be closer to her. However, he didn't want her to go far away, either.

He didn't want to lose any more people he cared about. He had lost his mother. It felt like he had also lost his father in a way. And he seemed to be losing, or have already lost, his best friend, too. Not to mention he had lost some of his friends and comrades during battles. He didn't want to lose Lacus as well.

It was probably why he decided to give her a good-bye kiss for the first time.

Well, he was sorry for not visiting her often and disappointing her, and wanted to make it up to her by acting more like a proper fiancé. He could understand her loneliness to a certain extent, for he had sometimes felt lonely as a child. Her father must be quite busy because of the war, and she seemed to be spending a long time at home by herself.

But he kissed her cheek also because he was still feeling uneasy about their distance which seemed to be growing greater. When she gladly accepted his kiss, he was relieved, thinking the distance between them had not really changed after all. They still could be what they had always been: a betrothed pair. Not lovers, not friends, but not strangers, either.

He didn't want any changes. He wanted things to stay as they were or go back to the state they had been in before the war if possible. He missed his old life. He didn't want anything new, anything unknown or unfamiliar. He just wanted to preserve what was left of his life.

His time with Lacus was almost the only thing that had not changed much. His relationship with her was almost the only thing he had been able to maintain more or less the same as before. Distant, but very peaceful. He wanted it to stay that way. He wanted to keep it that way.

However, there was a vague feeling in his gut that it might not be possible. He didn't want to acknowledge it. He didn't want to think about what his relationship with her was going to be like. He didn't want to find out what awaited him in the future. He just focused on trying to discard the feeling, or at least ignore it for now, while he could.

* * *

Athrun lost his mother less than four months after his fourteenth birthday.

His mother was his pillar of support. She was an understanding, caring mother. Even though she was busy with her work, she always spared time for him when he needed her, listening to him and comforting him.

Chatting with her over a plate of cabbage rolls, the favorite food of both of them, was one of his favorite times. Although he wasn't talkative, she was good at drawing out stories from him: about school, friends, hobby, what had made him happy, and what had bothered him.

She was also a good adviser. When he had a fight with Kira or other friends, she often helped him deal with his emotions and sort out the situation. Even when he hid how upset he was, she sensed it and tried to lighten him up, which he appreciated.

After his engagement was arranged, she was concerned over how he felt about it, unlike his father who had simply told him the news without asking for his consent or even opinion. Her concern helped appease his dissatisfaction about the matter.

It wasn't that he clearly expressed his complaints to her, though. He didn't want to trouble her by acting like a self-centered child who couldn't understand the importance of the engagement. Besides, it wasn't like it was something new. As long as he could remember, he had always thought the future was more or less predictable, already mapped and laid out before him. And now, it became more so, his future wife having been decided. It was just the way his life was.

He supposed he was lucky to be _the_ Lacus Clyne's fiancé, as many people told him. They also said he must be happy to have such a brilliant future. He would be married to the most popular idol in PLANT, and, with his high abilities and his father's influence, surely have an important job, probably one like his father's.

He himself wasn't so sure he was happy. But he was certainly not unhappy. Although his life felt somewhat monotonous, it wasn't like he wanted an adventurous life full of thrills. He wasn't a risk-taker. He was rather the cautious type and liked stability.

So he told himself this was life. You couldn't get everything. No one could have a perfectly satisfying life. It was simply childish to cry for what he didn't have in spite of having enough, especially when he didn't know what it was, what his life lacked.

Although the rebellious teenager in him was frustrated by his father's overbearing ways, he wasn't reckless or foolish enough to act on it. His parents loved him and they knew what was best for him, so living the life they—or his father—had planned for him was the best choice. Even if it didn't feel like the best, it was good enough.

Thus, he went on with his life, which was supposed to remain stable and normal, if a little boring.

His sense of normalcy had much to do with his mother. She was the one who usually offered it. She had always been with him, even though his father or Kira hadn't. Her consistent presence had been a great help to him in adjusting to the big changes in his life, when he had moved to Copernicus from PLANT and when he had moved back to PLANT, leaving behind someone he loved as family at both times.

She was probably the only person he took for granted, the only person he expected to be always there for him.

Until the cruel reality made him realize that it wasn't true. That nothing could be taken for granted. That nothing was truly safe and secured.

Not his mother. Not the peace. Not the future.

He had never thought war actually would break out. He had never imagined he would lose his mother at such an early age, in such a brutal way. He had never predicted his life would be filled with the unknown, the unexpected.

His world turned upside down, becoming a mess. His life was suddenly frail, cracking and crumbling.

His mother had once told him his name meant "dawn" and it was a symbol of hope. He had not been able to understand and asked why, frowning.

"Day always comes after night. And the darkest hour is just before dawn," she had answered with a smile. "However dark it is, however hopeless it seems, don't give up. Then you can find the light. Dawn will break. Always."

Night had fallen. A seemingly never-ending night. Darker than ever.

After her death, it was like the light was gone out of his home, and of his father's life. And probably of his life, too.

Everything in his world seemed to be wrapped in obscurity. He wasn't sure what his future, or the future of the world for that matter, would be like anymore. He no longer knew what would happen tomorrow. And he was afraid. He wasn't fond of unpredictable things. He preferred routines and rules.

It might be one of the reasons why he signed up for ZAFT only a week after his mother had died.

He did it mostly because he wanted to do something. To bring justice for those who had been savagely killed. To stop something like Bloody Valentine, such a massacre, from happening ever again. To protect something, someone.

He couldn't stand doing nothing. He couldn't stand remaining powerless.

He also had some desire for revenge. He wanted to fight against the people who had murdered his mother in cold blood. The people who had slaughtered hundreds of thousands of people, almost all civilians including children.

Putting aside all those reasons, however, being in the military simply gave him a sense of comfort. There were usually clear-cut policies and goals; he had to endure less obscurity. And the military life suited him well. He liked following regulations and orders. He didn't have to think about anything else. He didn't have to worry about where to go and what to do. All he had to do was focus on the orders he had been given.

Furthermore, his training in the academy kept him busy, which meant less time and energy spent grieving over his loss. It was a good distraction he desperately needed.

Sometimes when he had time to think about his mother, he felt a little guilty. His mother had been an empathetic, compassionate person who believed in the coexistence and co-prosperity of Coordinators and Naturals. She wouldn't want him to kill people or hate Naturals because of her. He knew it.

But he needed to fight. He needed to let out his anger and grief in some way, and fighting was the only way he could think of.

Besides, he was at least doing the right thing, doing what was needed to be done. Someone had to fight, right? For PLANT and for Coordinators. Even though no one wanted war, they couldn't choose to do nothing and just accept being killed. It was Naturals who had started fighting and they had to defend themselves. They had to fight if it was the only way to protect.

Then, he could be the one to do it. He could be the one to protect PLANT and Coordinators. He could be the one to fight for ZAFT. It wasn't wrong. It wasn't like he was going to murder people mercilessly.

He didn't even detest all Naturals. Only those who detested Coordinators. Only those who were responsible for the death of his mother, a person who had always treated Naturals as equals to Coordinators. Only those who had committed the unforgivable sin. Only those murderers.

And he needed the order of the military in this world getting more and more turbulent. He needed a rock, something firm to cling to. He needed a shield which defended him against the turmoil. The mask of a soldier offered him safety from the storms both outside and inside, though it didn't straighten or lighten his world.

He believed, or wanted to believe, that his father and other leaders of PLANT were capable of ending the war. He hoped peace would be restored as soon as possible. He hoped that eventually his world would recover its order and his life would be fixed and settled once again.

Yet, he couldn't really picture a life after the war. No matter how much he tried, any future he could imagine felt like nothing more than a dream, an empty dream.

The only thing he was certain about was that he would never get back his life prior to the war, which now seemed to have been quite a happy one. It was forever lost along with his mother. And he didn't know any other life. Since his mother had died, his own life had become something unfamiliar, as if he was a stranger in his own world.

He was almost sure he would never be as happy as he had been before his mother's death. Such happiness had been completely taken—stolen—away from him. No matter how his life turned out, there probably would always be these feelings of hollowness and uncertainty in him, a part of him that couldn't feel happy. He probably wouldn't have a brilliant future after all.

The world was dark. The future was dark. He couldn't see anything anymore. He had been thrown into chaos and blackness. And he had no idea when it would end. When he could see the future again. When he could recover the light in his life. When dawn would break in his world.

He didn't even know whether it would actually happen. He wanted to believe it would. He wanted to believe what his mother had said was true. He wanted to believe there was still hope in this world, hope for him.

But he couldn't be sure. He couldn't feel anything certain. He couldn't see any sign that it was true. There was nothing he could base his belief on, except for his reluctance to doubt his mother's words, which wasn't enough. He needed something firmer, a hard fact, a solid proof, and he didn't have it.

He was wandering in the dark, without knowing where to go, without really knowing what to hope for tomorrow. And he couldn't shake the suspicion that he would never be able to escape from this darkness.

* * *

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	2. Chapter 2

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* * *

When he was fifteen, Athrun had the strangest encounter in his life with a strange girl.

Well, a girl who looked like a boy at first glance, but a girl anyway. And it wasn't his fault he had mistaken her as a boy, considering the kind of clothes she wore. It also had not been exactly a situation where he could observe her carefully. Everyone would have made the same mistake.

The way she talked and acted seemed weird for a girl. Then again, he didn't know many girls or women. He had never had a close female friend or a girlfriend, except for Lacus. Both his mother and Lacus were completely different from the girl, but neither was a fighter after all, which the girl clearly was.

She was confusing, a little annoying, and most of all, intriguing. Not to mention amusing.

He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed like this. It was probably before his mother's death. It might be even before he had left Copernicus. The last time he had teased someone like this was definitely before he had parted with Kira.

Actually, her personality was somewhat similar to Kira's. Both of them were quite expressive and honest, so much so that they appeared childish. And they seemed to have this talent to put people off their guard, probably because of their open, carefree attitude.

They were also more or less the same type, Athrun concluded. The impulsive and careless type who appealed to his protective instinct. But she seemed more reckless and more troublesome than Kira had been.

He briefly wondered whether people living on the Earth were all like her, as dynamic and unruly as the planet's weather. Probably not. She must be one of the rare, weird ones.

He was a little curious about what her life was like. It was probably the opposite of his life, both his current life and old life. She seemed to be the type to like adventure and taking risks. She was vibrant, and her world must be vibrant as well, not bleak like his, even though she was involved in combats and the war just as he was.

Not that he was envious or wanted that kind of life. He couldn't even clearly imagine how it felt to be someone like her. She was too different from him.

And yet, her words were oddly similar to his.

He wouldn't say she was right. He believed in what ZAFT was doing, what his father was doing. They were fighting for a rightful cause. However, he couldn't say she was wrong, either. Because he couldn't think she was. She seemed to have as much reason to fight as he did. The pain of losing someone you cared about and the desire to protect your loved ones wouldn't be so different whether you were a Coordinator or a Natural.

But still, he couldn't stop fighting. ZAFT couldn't stop fighting. They had to fight to protect the innocent and the future. His father said so. His commander said so. And he agreed.

It wasn't like they enjoyed fighting or wanted to kill people. There was simply no other way...was there?

Staring at her defiant face, he felt like something in him was shaken. Her eyes, looking straight into his, made him feel somewhat uneasy, feel as if she could see deep into him, cutting through his mental armor.

Those fiery eyes and her brusque words seemed to stir something that had been smoldering inside him, and he averted his eyes. He didn't want to think about the subject of their conversation or their similarity anymore, afraid that it would lead his mind to what he didn't want to face.

He didn't want to talk with her anymore. There was no need for him to explain to her the intention of ZAFT or his reason to fight. He didn't know why he had started the conversation in the first place, why he had told her about his mother, what he rarely talked about. It wouldn't change anything anyway. They wouldn't be able to understand each other. They belonged to separate worlds, worlds which were too different.

He didn't want to know anything more about her. From his experience with Kira, he had painfully realized how true those words were: it was better not to know your enemy. She wasn't on his side and a potential enemy, being a Natural and hostile to ZAFT. He should distance himself from her as much as possible.

Nevertheless, he ended up knowing her name. She was such a strange person that nothing seemed to go as he had planned or expected with her.

Even though he normally disliked something unexpected, the meeting with her left him with a rather pleasant aftertaste. Not exactly delightful, but refreshing, and definitely unforgettable. Although the feeling was new to him, it wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, he liked it.

It brought Kira to his mind again. Kira had often done things he had not expected as well, and yet he had always liked Kira. Even now, he still couldn't dislike Kira. Even when his heart wrenched at recalling their shared memories. It was probably partly why his interactions with her had been relieving. She had made him feel nostalgic, but not given him much time to agonize.

As much as she reminded him of Kira in many ways, however, she wasn't Kira.

She was Cagalli.

She wasn't a Coordinator, but she wasn't one of those Naturals who hated Coordinators. She wasn't his friend, yet she wasn't his enemy. Not exactly, at least.

He wasn't completely sure his decision to let her go had been right. It was possible that she would become an enemy of ZAFT someday. It might have been foolish or even wrong of him to make that decision.

But she wasn't a part of the Earth Forces, which was his enemy. She wasn't even like a soldier though she appeared to have had some combat training. She was just a strange girl, probably a resistance fighter or something.

It had seemed like a cold-blooded murder to kill her. He had not wanted to do it. He didn't want to be the kind of person who did something like that. Something horribly wrong. He had vowed to his mother that he wouldn't be such a person even though he engaged in war. He was a soldier, not a murderer.

So he had told himself those who weren't the EF soldiers weren't his enemies. He had been under no order to act differently. Although she had shot at him and attempted to destroy the Aegis, she had caused little damage and been no longer trying to do either when they parted ways. Therefore, it was all right for him to have not killed her and freed her.

He only hoped he wouldn't meet her again in the battlefield, which would possibly leave him no choice but to kill her. Even though she wasn't a soldier, even though he didn't like the idea of killing her, it didn't matter much during a battle.

Their meeting had been an exception only because they were alone on a secluded island, temporarily cut off from the outside world. Considering their different positions, different sides they were on, different races they belonged to, such a friendly farewell couldn't be expected to happen twice.

Or so he thought, especially after learning of her true identity through strange coincidences—which he might have called fate if he had believed in those things.

The next time he met her face-to-face was right after he had killed his best friend—who had become his worst enemy. His life had completely shattered into fragments, beyond repair. His world had turned into utter chaos and darkness, beyond recognition. He had lost all hope for himself. There was nothing left in his hands.

He didn't want to fight or live anymore. It wasn't exactly like he wanted to die. Or maybe he simply didn't know what he wanted anymore. He didn't know anything anymore.

He had done what he should do, what he had been told was right. He had fulfilled his duties. He had killed an enemy and avenged his fellow soldiers. He had made amends for his mistake, his weakness, which had costed Nicol's life. He was supposed to be satisfied, happy.

Yet he wasn't. He was as far from happy as he could possibly get.

And he didn't know why. He didn't know why he felt so miserable. He didn't know why he had done what he had done. He didn't know whether he had really achieved something. He didn't know what he had gained—or lost—during that battle with Kira. He didn't know why things had turned out like this. He didn't know where everything had gone wrong. Or maybe nothing had. Maybe everything that had happened was right, except he didn't feel like that at all.

He didn't know. He just didn't know. He didn't even know exactly what he had done.

If there was one thing he still knew, it was that he didn't mind being shot and killed, especially by her who had known Kira. It seemed like the right thing. He could understand her grief, anger, and hatred. Kira had killed Nicol, his friend and comrade. Therefore, he had killed Kira. And he was going to be killed by Kira's friend. That was probably justice. He was as guilty as Kira had been, so it made sense to him that he would meet the same end as Kira.

But then, a strange thing happened. Again.

Cagalli, the last person he had expected to, denied his belief. She denied he had to be punished, possibly with death. Not only did she not shoot and kill him, but she even gave him some kind of amulet, saying it would protect him, the person who had killed her friend.

She was even stranger than he had thought. Definitely the strangest person he had ever met.

He didn't know how to respond, what to think of it. It was beyond his imagination why she was doing it or how she could do such a thing. He had felt it was out of the question to forgive a person who had killed his friend, even if the person was also his friend. Then, she shouldn't be able to forgive him, much less care about him. They weren't even friends, let alone long-time friends like Kira and he were—had been. They didn't even belong to the same side, the same country, the same race.

There was absolutely no reason for her to do it. There should be absolutely no way she could do it.

Nevertheless, she had forgiven him, with no condition. He had done nothing to deserve her forgiveness; she had not told him what he would have to do to obtain it. She had simply given it to him. She had not even asked him to try to stay alive.

He didn't know what to do. He was used to other people wanting him to do something and to doing what he had been asked or told to do. But she didn't seem to want anything from him.

He didn't even know what to feel, or what he was feeling right now. Or maybe he wasn't feeling anything. It seemed like he was drained of all emotion after parting with Cagalli, after crying together with her.

The crying might be the reason. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried like that, with no worries about showing his weaknesses to other people, with no effort to stop crying. He had simply cried as much as he wanted, letting out all of his pent-up feelings, like a child, which had been unusual for him even when he was actually a child. He had not cried like that even when his mother had died.

Maybe at that time, he had spent too much energy to feel anything anymore. Now all his emotions seemed to have left him and be lost somewhere in the universe, far away from him.

But they returned to him while he was looking at the red stone, which he kept close for some reason. The burst of emotions he had experienced during his exchange with Cagalli hit him again, though to a much lesser degree. It wasn't comfortable, but he felt he needed it. As much as he hated feeling like a mess, it was still better than feeling nothing, feeling like a hollow shell, a living dead. And the amulet eventually soothed his inner turmoil, which the stone itself had triggered.

The amulet was truly a reminder of the girl who had given it to him. It brought him what he normally would dislike, yet he couldn't dislike it. He even liked it, maybe. It pushed him into a pit of negative feelings, made him cry and suffer, yet comforted him as well.

He felt somehow the red stone kept him sane. It helped him breathe, and his heart slowly healed along with his body resting in the infirmary.

Other people probably had not noticed his change or even his temporal inability to feel emotions, since he wasn't an expressive person to begin with and he had not told anyone about it. But he could feel his emotions gradually come back in place, staying inside him longer and longer each time. Sometimes it felt painful. Sometimes it felt comforting. Sometimes it felt just like being alive.

He didn't know whether it was a good thing that he was still alive. Whether he liked it or not, however, he was. And there was at least one person who wanted him to stay that way despite knowing what he was capable of, even if he himself didn't want it.

There was at least one person who wouldn't say he had done an excellent job when he killed his childhood friend, even if many people said it, which made him feel sick to his stomach and loathe himself, loathe everything. There was at least one person who would tell him straight that what he had done was wrong, which his heart had kept telling him, even if everyone around him said otherwise. There was at least one person who knew his grief over Kira's death and didn't say he had no right or reason to feel like that, even if everyone else deemed his feeling wrong. There was at least one person who forgave him for the horrible thing he had done to his friend, even if he himself couldn't.

He wasn't alone.

He had never known how comforting and heartening it was to know that. He didn't really mind spending time alone. Actually, he often wanted to be left alone to his thoughts. He had not known how painful and scary it was to feel completely alone, to suspect there was no one who would understand, or even simply accept, his feelings.

It was a great relief that there was at least one person in this universe who understood and accepted him.

It was probably what the amulet reminded him of, more than anything. It was probably why he had grown weirdly attached to it.

As his mental and emotional states somewhat recovered, thanks largely to the red stone, his mind struggled to sort out the situation, what had happened.

Why had he done what he had done? Why had he had to do it? Had he really had no other choice? He had been so sure of it then. But now, he wasn't.

He couldn't get rid of the feeling that there might have been another way. It was a strange, unbelievable idea. According to what he had believed in, what he had been taught, there shouldn't have been. What he had done was the only choice, the only way.

Kira had not been on his side; Kira had been on the other side. Then, Kira had not been able to be his friend. Kira had been his enemy and nothing else. It didn't matter Kira had been a good person. It didn't matter whether he liked Kira. He couldn't care about Kira.

Yet he did. He had been despaired over Kira's death, as much as he was over Nicol's death, or even more. He wouldn't feel this way if Kira had been just his enemy who had to be eliminated at any cost.

Something was wrong. Something wasn't right. His heart was telling him so. It had been telling him so for a long time, yet he had kept ignoring it.

But then what was the right thing? What was it that he should do? What was it that he believed in and fought for? Why had he been fighting?

He had duties, to his parents, to his fiancée, to his comrades, to his country, to his race. However, it wasn't the only reason he had been fighting. He fought to protect first and foremost. He wanted to protect someone. He wanted to protect what was important to him.

But was that why he had nearly killed Kira? As much as he wanted to say yes, he knew it wasn't true. He had done it because he wanted to kill, because he hated Kira at that time. His desires to protect or to do the right thing weren't really what had caused him to almost murder Kira. It was his hatred, his inability to forgive.

To forgive. To forgive the enemy. To forgive the person who had killed someone he cared about. It was such a preposterous idea that it made him almost laugh—then scared.

Because Kira was still alive. Because it probably meant they had to fight and kill each other again.

He didn't want to think about the terrifying possibility. He needed something to ease his mind, and he pulled out the amulet to stare at it, which calmed him to a certain extent.

Then, a voice—angry, frustrated, and sorrowful—rung in his head. _"Y_ _ou kill because someone was killed, and then you get killed because you killed someone_ _…_ _will that really bring peace in the end_ _?!"_

Would it? That was exactly what he had been doing, wasn't it? Would it really make this world a peaceful place, how he wanted it to be?

To get peace back was another reason why he had been fighting. But could he really achieve the goal by continuing to do the killing? Was it really the right thing to do? ...Was it really what he wanted to do?

At least, that wasn't what had brought peace to his mind, was it? That wasn't what was comforting him right now. It was what Cagalli had done. Her act of forgiveness. Her show of compassion. That was what had kept him in one piece, what had been protecting him from his inner storms.

He wondered if Kira and he could do the same thing as she had. Could he forgive Kira? Could Kira forgive him? Could he forgive himself?

He didn't know. Honestly, the idea still seemed absurd. But it wasn't impossible, was it?

He knew, for a fact, that forgiving someone who had killed your friend was not some impracticable ideal, not something that could never happen for real. The proof was in his own hand. He had seen it happen with his own eyes. Cagalli's eyes and words had been sincere. She had truly meant it when she said she didn't want him to die, didn't want anyone to die anymore.

He also knew she had been really upset and angry at him when she had him at gunpoint. She had wanted to pull the trigger. Yet she hadn't.

If she could forgive a stranger like him, then...maybe, just maybe, it was possible for Kira and him to forgive each other instead of killing each other, wasn't it?

He wanted to believe it was. He hoped they could. He also didn't want anyone else to die anymore. He didn't want to see any more people he cared about die. He didn't want to experience the pain and grief ever again. He didn't want to kill Kira again. He didn't want to hurt someone important to him with his own hands ever again.

He clutched the amulet as if it was the lifeline.

He was still afraid to find out what awaited him at his next meeting with Kira. But there was a glimmer of hope, and he held onto it.

···

He was used to following orders. Of his parents, of his teachers and instructors, and of his superiors. He was quite good at it. Perhaps too good.

Although he could be also good at making decisions, they were limited to those on how to accomplish what he had been told to do. Not those on what to do in the first place, how to live his life. He had not decided many things in his life. He was used to other people, namely his father, determining the course of his life, and to following it without much thinking.

He finally realized it. And he realized he wasn't really good at deciding what to do, though he wasn't sure whether it was because of the lack of experience or the lack of talent.

He had not known that to think and decide for himself, to take control of his own life, was such a tough task. Still, he had to make his own decisions, decide what he would fight against instead of fighting against what he had been ordered to.

He knew he couldn't blindly follow orders anymore. He couldn't stay what he had been anymore: Athrun Zala of ZAFT, as Lacus had called him. Not with these doubts. Not after experiencing what he had. Not after learning what he knew now.

ZAFT saw Kira as its enemy. Lacus as well. And probably Cagalli, too. But he couldn't. He couldn't think of them as his enemy. He couldn't fight against them. He couldn't kill them. He didn't ever want to. He didn't want them to die.

And he couldn't believe what ZAFT and his father were doing was the right thing anymore. He couldn't believe it would bring peace to the world anymore.

He couldn't ignore what his heart told him anymore. He couldn't suppress his feelings anymore. He had to face them and make his own choices. He had to stand on his own feet, instead of mindlessly leaning on directions and orders. He had to be his own person, face the world as himself, instead of hiding behind a mask.

It was his second nature to try to live up to other people's expectations, to do what other people expected him to do, to be what other people expected him to be. Simply being himself was strange, and somewhat scary. Playing a role given to him—a boy, a Coordinator, a son, a student, a gentleman, a fiancé, a citizen, a soldier—acting to fit the role was much easier than that.

However, if he wanted to accomplish what he himself wanted to do, if he wanted to fight for what he himself believed was right, he had to be himself. He had to think about what he wanted to do as himself and do it as himself.

Not as a Coordinator. Not as a PLANT citizen. Not as a ZAFT soldier. Not as the son of Patrick Zala. Not as the fiancé of Lacus Clyne. But as himself. As a person. No matter how hard it was.

It was probably the only way he could create a world he wished for. He wanted to fight for it. He wanted to fight along with the people who wished for the same world, even if some of them were Naturals.

It ultimately didn't matter whether you were a Coordinator or a Natural. The desire for peace was the same regardless of your genetics. Just because you belonged to different races, or had once been on different sides, it didn't mean you couldn't understand each other, care about each other, or fight together.

Cagalli had taught him so. Even though she was a Natural, and they had met as kind of enemies, she was very important to him.

He preferred to keep people at a distance, keep his heart guarded and to himself. Except for his mother, and later Kira. There might have been a few more when he had been really little, but he didn't remember. For a long time, those two had been the only exceptions, the only people he could open his heart to, reveal his true self to.

However, he realized that now there was one more person.

At some point, he had unconsciously let Cagalli in his heart. He wasn't sure when. It might be when she had comforted him about his father. It might be when she had held him and Kira, showing her delight in their reconciliation as if she was the one who had gotten back an estranged friend. It might be when she had given him the amulet, worried about him. It might be when she had expressed her distress over Kira's missing status, which he shared but couldn't acknowledge yet. Or it might be even at their first meeting.

Even though it was natural for him to wear a mask, it seemed he somehow had not tried to do so as much when with her as he usually did. She didn't make him feel as much need to hide who he was as usual. Or maybe she just broke his front even if he tried to put it on, without either of them realizing it.

At first, he had been more like a ZAFT soldier. But she had not exactly treated him as one; he had not exactly acted like one, either. If they had, she wouldn't have told him to give her a hand or would have shot at him instead of throwing away the gun, and he would have killed her or at least kept her tied up and captive instead of freeing her.

But somehow they had shown who they were and seen each other for who they were rather than what. They had been themselves more than anything: just Athrun and Cagalli. Two people who had been stranded on the same island. Two people who were not on the same side, but still the same human beings. Two people who had different values and opinions, but also the same feelings and wishes. Two people who were different, yet alike.

Two people who fought each other, but still could care about each other.

And as unaccustomed as he was to exposing his vulnerability, he didn't feel uncomfortable doing so in front of her. Probably because she had already seen him at his worst, seen him without any masks. He had given up saving appearances when he cried along with her. At that time, he had not been trying to be anything, to hide anything. No matter how childish and pathetic he had been, it was his real face. And she had accepted him as such, which he found rather unbelievable.

She was still a strange girl to him, maybe even more so than ever. But he liked her strangeness. Her free and fighting spirit. Her childishness, which was astonishing and endearing. Her maturity, which might possibly surpass his own, in a way. Her open and broad mind. Her sincerity, which made her almost offensively blunt and yet engaging. Her empathy, which made her both rough and gentle. Her passion, which was striking and invigorating. Her compassion, which had been and still was beyond his belief.

Out of her characteristics, it was probably her vulnerability and strength that drew him to her most. Her vulnerability made him feel he needed to take care of her while her strength made him feel he needed her to rely on. Either way, she made him feel he wanted to be around her.

He grew to care more and more about her as they shared time together, and it disturbed him to find out she was going to pilot a mobile suit in the battle. He didn't like it. It might be partly because she was parting with him so casually after telling him about it, unaware of the agitation she had caused in him.

He couldn't help stopping her, unable to just let her go her way. He wanted to detain her. He wanted to keep her in a safer place, like inside a warship. He wanted her to listen to him.

However, she wasn't going to comply, which probably wasn't surprising considering her defiance. She was adamant in helping others, protecting others. She always was. She was so compassionate, selfless, and tough. She tried to console other people even when she herself was suffering. She was fiercely determined to defend those important to her. She always tried to do something for other people—him—rather than want them to do something for her.

If he was heedless, she tried to watch out for him. If he was down, she tried to cheer him up. If he was in trouble, she tried to lend him a hand. If he was hurt, she tried to comfort him. Without asking anything of him in return. Without even expecting him to be grateful. As if she was doing nothing special.

She just wanted to help and protect.

A warm feeling enveloped him. A genuine smile broke over his face. Looking back into her intense amber eyes, he felt the same urge as when he had hugged her for the first time. The urge to near her and embrace her as if every fiber of his being was yearning for her. As if he was being pulled toward her by some kind of gravity. Since then, he had been feeling the desire to be as close to her as he could, as often and as long as possible.

And now, he understood it. He understood this feeling which flooded his mind and body with the intensity so dazzling that he couldn't fight it, with the joy so intense that he couldn't even want to fight it.

It was the feeling of love.

She was so strange, rare, and precious. There was no one like her. There was no one else who made him feel like this. There was no one else who touched his heart like this. It was truly fortunate for him to have met her, to have come to know this feeling, while he was still in this universe.

And he gave up the attempt to stop her. She was such a fighter. It was the kind of person she was, and he cherished it. He cherished her.

He could understand and empathize with her desire to protect. He himself had always wanted to protect someone. But now, he didn't want to protect _someone_. He wanted to protect _her_. He didn't want her to be gone. He didn't want her to be lost from this universe. He didn't want to lose her.

The feeling was something new. He had been trying to protect many people and things, but there had always been a sense of duty in the feelings. He had felt he had to protect them. But this was different. He didn't care whether he was obligated to protect her. He didn't care whether he needed to protect her. He didn't even care what she would say on the matter. She probably didn't want his protection. She was clearly keener on protecting him, and Kira, than being protected.

He didn't care. He didn't care even if she refused to be protected by him. It didn't matter. All that mattered to him was his feeling that he wanted to protect her. And so he would.

As he hugged her, and kissed her, his mind was telling him it was inappropriate. He shouldn't kiss her like this, catching her off guard and without her consent. But for once, he ignored his mind.

He just wanted her. He needed her. He needed to do this, to hold her as close as possible, as firmly as he could. He needed to express how much she meant to him. He needed to pour out these feelings too much to contain. He needed to feel her, feel she was here, warm and firm and alive—the way he wanted her to stay tomorrow.

He didn't know whether he was going to survive the war. He didn't know whether he still had the future for himself. He didn't even know whether he wanted it.

But he knew for sure that he wanted the future for her, from the bottom of his heart. He wanted her to return from the battle safe and sound. And he was determined to make it happen. He was going to protect her, her life and her future.

* * *

About a month before he turned sixteen, Athrun witnessed his father's death.

His father was a stern person, hardly showing love and concern for him. He sometimes wished his father had been more like Kira's father who was kind and friendly and often took time to spend with his family.

Still, he loved and respected his father. He always did his best to meet his father's expectations, which were many and high. He was quite happy when his father praised him, which wasn't often. Since his father wasn't the type to smile frequently, he cherished those rare moments his father smiled at him.

In holidays, his mother and he went back from Copernicus to PLANT, though it was usually a short stay. He was nervous during the time, yet excited as well. It was the only time he could spend with his father, even though his father was mostly busy with work and didn't spare much time for him.

He hoped he could help his father when he became older. Then, his father would probably show more pride and love for him.

He would be lying if he said he had not expected to spend more time with his father and become closer to his father after moving back to PLANT. Although he got to see his father more often, however, their relationship didn't change much, which made him disappointed. But he didn't have as much longing for closeness with his father as he had when little, and was more or less fine with their relationship. Sure, he had some complaints, but everyone did about their parents, right? It wasn't like he was on bad terms with his father.

After his mother's death, however, he wasn't so sure that his relationship with his father was all right. His father became even more distant and colder, showing even less interest in him. He felt as if he was no longer a son to his father, as if they were no longer family, having lost his mother who had bound them together as a family.

But it wasn't true. His father was only not good at expressing feelings, exactly like him, and his father was too busy dealing with the war to be bothered by trivial matters. He shouldn't trouble his father with such childish anxiety and selfish needs. He wasn't a child anymore. He was an adult who could help his father, and he had to act like that.

Besides, they were aiming for the same goal. Both his father and he wanted to protect PLANT and Coordinators. They both wanted to end the war and bring peace back. They both wanted to make sure such a tragedy that had happened to his family wouldn't happen again. And they were working together, fighting along with each other, in different ways.

Although his father didn't really acknowledge that, or pay attention to him, his father still knew Athrun was helping him and his father was proud of him, he hoped.

It was just that there were things much more important than their personal affairs. Now was the time they should put aside their personal needs for the sake of the greater good. They should focus on fulfilling their duties as a PLANT citizen, as a Coordinator. His father was only doing it because it was the right thing to do. And he should follow his father's example, doing his own job without letting his personal feelings get in the way.

He had always respected his father's dedication to his job and determination to do right. As his mother had often said, he was more like his father with regard to personality though he looked quite like his mother. He himself wanted to do what was right, partly because he wanted to be like his father and partly because he simply believed in doing it.

That was why he had been fighting. That was why he had tried to be a good soldier. That was why he had even tried to kill his best friend. That was why he had always obeyed his father.

That was why it was a great shock to him to find out his father was actually planning to exterminate Naturals.

Although he had had doubts, he had still believed, or wanted to believe, in his father. He had thought that there might be an explanation. That it was all misunderstanding and his father was still who Athrun had thought he was: a person who always tried to do the right thing.

It was the father he had known. It was the father he had respected.

He didn't understand how his father could possibly be obsessed with such a monstrous idea. Yes, he had shared the desire to fight and the desire for revenge. He shared his father's grief and anger over his mother's death. Yet, none of them could ever justify such a heartless plan. It was dead wrong.

His father was the one who had taught him that he should never do wrong. That he had to be the person who did the right thing. That he had to stand up and fight for what he believed was right.

Then, how could his father tell him to take part in accomplishing such a goal? How could his father believe Athrun would understand and help him? How, for stars' sake, could his father believe in murdering numerous innocent people?!

He had truly lost his father as he had been afraid. Only not in the way he had thought. He had not lost his father because his father had stopped treating him as a son or loving him. He had lost his father because his father was no longer the same person he had respected and loved.

Or maybe his father had never been that person. The father he had known—he had thought he knew—might be only an illusion. All these years, he might have been seeing only what he wanted to see: an idealized image of his father. He didn't know anymore.

It was as if the bullet his father had shot at him had shuttered his faith in his father, shuttered the father in his memories, shuttered all happy memories he had shared with his father.

It seemed as if he had never known or understood his own father.

Still, he struggled to believe that not everything he had known was false. That the father he had known was, at least partially, real. That someday his father could become like that again, to some extent. That he would be able to talk to his father again and hopefully stop his father this time, like Cagalli had said.

She was right. Unlike her father, his father was still alive. They might be able to get reconciled someday, and maybe, just maybe, have a better relationship, even if not like the one they had had before his mother's death. It was probably not impossible, no matter how much it felt so.

He tried to retain that hope, though it was becoming difficult as he had to face how far his father would go in order to achieve his ends. His father had actually created a weapon to ruthlessly kill so many people, whose power was horrifying even if the victims were the EF soldiers.

And now, the hope was gone. His father died, and his father had not changed until his last breath. Even at the last moment of his life, his father had still hung on to the desire for revenge, the desire to kill, the desire to destroy millions of lives.

Even worse, it was still coming true. The weapon of mass destruction was still working to destroy the Earth even after his father had left this universe.

You couldn't get anything back through fighting and killing, through hatred. However, his father had not understood that. Or maybe his father had not wanted anything back. Maybe his father had only wanted to kill, wanted to destroy everything.

Athrun didn't know. He didn't know his father anymore. He would never be able to know his father again.

The only thing which occupied his mind was that he had to stop the Genesis. He couldn't let it fulfill his father's last wish. He had to destroy it even at the cost of his life. It was his obligation as his father's son.

Kira had said they couldn't die yet. He had known that Kira was right. That they had to keep fighting to end the war. That they owed it to Nicol, Tolle, and many other people who had died because of them. That it was their duty and they shouldn't abandon it. And also they shouldn't die meaninglessly since it would sadden the people who cared about them.

However, the war was almost over. It would be over after he destroyed the Genesis. He had to do it to end the war, to restore peace, to protect the Earth, to protect many innocent people, to make amends for his sins—and his father's sins. He had to sacrifice his life for the greater good. It was right to do this, and his death wouldn't be meaningless.

Furthermore, the Earth was Cagalli's home. Her country, the country she loved, was on the planet. It was where she was going to return. By protecting the Earth, he could protect her future. He had vowed to protect her, so he had to do this. He wanted to protect her, so he was going to do this.

Yet, Cagalli herself wasn't letting him.

Deep down, he had known he was running away, even before she pointed it out. He was doing this not only to protect the Earth but to escape from his sins and his father's sins. They seemed to be so horrible and burdens too heavy to bear.

He had looked the other way and told himself the reason he did it was because it was the right thing. But she saw through his pretense. She knew and understood him. Like she had seen through his charade after Kira's supposed death, sensing he had not really wanted to kill Kira. Like she had known that he was glad Kira was after all alive and wanted to restore their friendship despite everything that had happened when they met in Orb. Like she had understood his pain of being shot at by his father even though he tried to hide it.

She always brought out his hidden feelings, forcefully or gently. As if she knew what he felt deep in his heart better than he himself did.

"To live is the bigger fight!"

Her desperate voice, each sound of her words, pulled at his heartstrings with a force almost violent, almost painful, to a degree he had never experienced. Never before she had come into his life. As if his heart was completely exposed—unguarded—and she was squeezing it with bare hands, with a bare heart of her own.

He had always tried to escape, to avoid thinking and deciding for himself, dealing with his emotions, facing his own desires—confronting himself. Well, it wasn't all his fault. It was the way he had been raised. It had been his way to adapt to the surroundings. It had been his way to protect himself. But it was what he had been doing nonetheless.

And she wouldn't let him do it. She wouldn't let him deny a part of himself, what his heart felt and said. She wouldn't let him use his duties as an excuse and look away from his feelings. She wouldn't let him escape from himself. Like always.

He didn't know whether she was conscious of what she did to him. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, she always demanded that he show who he was, be himself.

It was probably the only thing she ever asked him to do.

To be just Athrun. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else.

It was the kind of person she was. She was always herself, honestly expressing her feelings and thoughts. She always tried to know other people's feelings and thoughts, who they really were.

She wasn't afraid of facing and revealing who she was. She didn't try to escape from confronting others, confronting the unknown. She was brave and strong, much more than he was. She wouldn't have run away like this if she had been him. She would have fought.

She _would_ fight. She would keep fighting in this universe, fighting for the future. She would keep bearing her own burdens.

And what was _he_ going to do? Was he going to give up fighting and escape? Again. Forever this time.

Was that really what he wanted to do? Did he really want to reject her, who had come here to save his life risking her own? Did he really want to run away from her?

...No. That wasn't what he wanted. He never wanted it. It took him only a few seconds to realize the answer. Because he had already known it. He had always known it. His heart had.

He wanted her. He didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to be separated from her. He didn't want to leave her.

He wanted to see her smile at him again. He wanted to hear her call his name again. He wanted to feel her warmth again. He wanted to hold her in his arms again. He wanted to be at her side.

He wanted to fight. He wanted to fight like her. He wanted to fight together with her. He wanted to fight for her. He wanted to fight for the hope she had shown him.

He wanted the future. The future with her.

Overwhelmed by the desire that had welled up within him, he momentarily squeezed his eyes shut. Before opening his eyes again, he already knew what he was going to see. A light so bright that he could see nothing else. So blazing that it rekindled the dying fire inside him.

And he wouldn't be able to help but reach out as if being pulled by the gravity of the shining existence.

···

The long battle had come to an end. The war was probably also going to end soon. It was surreal, but Cagalli's tears told him this was most certainly real. Everything that had happened. Everything that was happening.

As if drawn by hers, his own tears flowed out. Hugging her and being hugged by her, he just cried.

His mother was dead. His father was dead. Many of his friends and comrades were dead.

But he was alive.

Cagalli was alive as well.

And they found Kira alive, too.

While floating toward Kira, he saw out of the corner of his eye that the sun was emerging from behind the Earth. It looked as if dawn was breaking, which was a foolish notion since they were in space and there was no dawn or dusk here. But he felt as if it actually was daybreak. As if night was turning into day in his world.

Normally, he wasn't the romantic type to think something like that. He didn't think like nature had a deep meaning. The sun set and rose whether you liked it or not, whatever your emotional state was. A storm out there had nothing to do with a storm inside you. Even if he had been seeing an actual sunrise, it wouldn't have much to do with his life except it was the morning and he had to get ready to start the day.

At the moment, however, he felt like the sight indicated his new life was beginning. His life Cagalli had saved. His life with her, Kira, and his friends who had survived. With the people he loved and cared about.

Even though his parents were gone, he still had them. Even if the painful memories of the war and the scars it had left would never disappear, he still had the future. Even though the horrible things he and his father had done occupied the back of his mind, he still had his life.

And he was glad about it. He was glad that he had chosen to keep living.

As he took hold of Kira, they exchanged teary smiles, which somehow reminded him of their childhood days. He looked over his shoulder at the half-broken Strike Rouge coming to get them. His keen eyes caught the sight of Cagalli's crying and smiling face.

His heart swelled with emotions so many and so strong that he felt as if it burst open.

 _I'_ _m glad I met you_ , he inwardly repeated what he had told her several hours ago, which felt like so long ago. He was feeling even more grateful now, which he had not thought was possible.

Life was cruel, and strange. He had lost many things, many people. However, in the midst of the war and the chaos, in the midst of grief and despair and agony, he had met her. He had found what he had been desperately looking for without realizing it. He had found the reason to look forward to tomorrow.

He had found hope for the future.

And he was certain that no matter what happened, he would never lose the hope again as long as she was with him. As long as she was there.

He glanced from her to the sun, which was shining gold like her hair, then back to her. Somehow her hair, or probably her smile, looked brighter than the sun in his eyes. He knew it was silly and nonsense, but he let himself believe it.

As she came nearer, her smile became clearer and brighter, as if telling him his future was as bright. It was silly and nonsense, too. But at this moment, he didn't care. He didn't care about anything but her.

The mobile suit came to stop in front of him and Kira. He reached out to her, and she took his hand to pull it hard, leaning forward—almost leaping out of the cockpit. She held him in one arm and Kira in the other, and squeezed them fiercely.

After a second of surprise, he also placed one arm around her and the other around Kira, who hugged the other two as well, and embraced them as tightly as he could, savoring with his whole being the happiness no words could describe.

* * *

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N** : The part they kissed may be confusing. Their kiss scene in the remastered version is quite different from that in the original version, and this fic is based on the remastered version.

It was pretty hard to come up with the title for this fic. I actually regretted using "Hope for Tomorrow" for the Meyrin fic since it could suit this one well. "Bright Future" or something similar also could, probably.

Fortunately, this title came to me in the end. The phrase "like night and day" suits Athrun and Cagalli, and this fic, so well that I was overjoyed when I found it. Or more like remembered it. The title is definitely my favorite.

···

One of the descriptions I give of Athrun is "not selfish, but self-centered." It may sound confusing, but I think being selfish and being self-centered are two different things. And Athrun is a good example.

He isn't selfish, far from it. He cares about other people, considers their interests, and is very willing to make sacrifices for the greater good.

However, he is quite self-centered. He hardly sees things from other people's points of view, and tends to force his opinion on others, tell them what to do, believing it's best for them. It can possibly be the biggest factor that worsened his conflicts with Kira (both in GS and GSD), Cagalli (in GSD), and Shinn. Not to mention he often becomes too preoccupied with his own thoughts and feelings to pay attention to others.

He also seems to be the least mature one among four main characters: Kira, Athrun, Lacus, and Cagalli. True, he acts like he is the mature one, but he tends to avoid thinking and deciding for himself or confronting himself, which are signs of immaturity, more than the other three do. In my opinion, he is more like a well-behaved child trying to act like an adult rather than a mature person.

I'm not bashing him or anything. He is one of my favorite characters, and actually the one I can relate to most. It's just how I see him, and how I try to depict him.

Besides, having faults is a part of charm, right? It makes a fictional character look like a real human being, someone we can relate to and someone we can love despite or because of those faults.

Well, anyway, there is a companion fic to this called "Light in the Darkness," which is much shorter. I'll upload it next week.

Thank you for reading. I also thank those who wrote a review of my previous fics.

And happy birthday, Athrun!

* * *

 ***edited 10/16/17***


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